OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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