If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
