my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
