Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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