I wish life had little blips of pornography
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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