I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
