i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
