im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
