I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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