he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
