you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize