when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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