I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Randomize
