Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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