so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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