dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
