she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
