True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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