Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
