I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
NoShamevember. You game?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
