I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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