I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
