I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
