I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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