I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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