dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You took a bar mat shot.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?