i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.