I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
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In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
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I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.