dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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