I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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