you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Randomize
