I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
