At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
