I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You took a bar mat shot.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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