Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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