shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
