I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
