I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
