I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
