I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
