I think I died a long time ago.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
