So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
