Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
