Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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