So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
