So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
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Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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