Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
