Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
