why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
