now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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