The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
