just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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