I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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