How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I want a musical about memes.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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