So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
