She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
