the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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