I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
