There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
