I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
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