Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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