I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
