a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
