hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
