i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
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You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
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He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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