His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
