It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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