Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
