ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
