If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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