i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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