My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
