I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
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Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
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I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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