You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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